I haven't been blogging lately and I feel guilty. I started this with such gusto, I feel ashamed at how I've let it just sit on the back burner for so long. I love blogging!! I have been missing it. I have great excuses though. The holidays kept us busy, then New years, then I started back to work at Mother's Day Out- which was like jumping in a marathon after 3 weeks of break, and so on and so on... But if I just told you the truth, I would say plainly I have been stressed and I feel like I'm failing.
I can't shake this feeling that with everything I do, daily, it's never going to be enough and it's never going to change the fated end of all my struggles. That sounds pretty depressing, I know. I guess basically it's stemming from this court battle with Jacy's dad. It's killing me. It has been for 6 years. She turns 7 in six days and I have been drug though the court system by her father for most of her life. And it kills me. Everyday.
Everyday I miss her, everyday I feel my motherly thoughts about how she slept, if she had breakfast, did someone brush her hair before school, how did homework go, what new 1st grade gossip is she keeping in her pretty little head, did she eat dinner, did she go to bed on time... It's like this everyday. And I call and call to let her know she is on my mind, and her dad does not answer the phone. Ever. He does have her call me back every so often, at 8:55 as she is crawling in bed, and she is so embarrassed to talk to me when he is around she just sits there either whispers or says nothing. It tears me apart. We see her every other weekend, and that is all. We have been fighting, yes fighting, her father for more visitation but he refuses on such ridiculous grounds it's sickening. What sort of father doesn't want his daughter having more time with her mother? What kind of man goes so far as to try and minimize visitation with a child’s mother? For no reason. No reasons....just lies. We did not get to see Jacy for Thanksgiving or Fall Break. We did not get to see her any of Christmas break and only got her from 10-6 on Christmas day. And it's killing me that I feel I don't have to strength to keep defending myself, in court, against him and all these lies. I'm not as strong as I wish I were. I'm not. After the kids I have with me, my husband, my job, friends and the household, I am drained. I have nothing left to fight with and feel like I am failing.
So, we have court, again, this Wednesday the 14th. And knowing what I know, I'm not looking forward to it. I don't know if it's mature or just disgraceful when you realize that you will never find justice in a court room; only the law. And even if you are a good, honest, God-fearing mother of 3, it doesn't mean the law is on your side. One has no precedence against law. It makes getting up everyday and fighting harder.
I don't know what this means to anyone, but it's my reason. I feel like even when I fight, I am failing.
Ahhhhh.... So, if you have been wondering what is going on with the Benedict's, let me tell you. Mom has been distracted and I try to make it up to Peanut and Andrew with trips to the park and fun crafts in the afternoon. I can buy them off with glitter. I pray you will be so forgiving. I promise, when things get a bit less tense for me, I will go back to my pointless blogging and usual updates.
4 comments:
Aw, sis, you are not failing! I can't imagine how hard it is not having Jacy with you, but you are an AMAZING mommy! And Jacy thinks the world of you. I know she loves her time with you. She feels so loved and wanted and cared for when she is with you. I know you are still fighting with her dad over visitation, and I pray for the best possible outcome. But by faithfully showing up 'for the fight' her behalf and doing the best that you can to see her more, is exactly what makes you a hero. I look up to you in so many ways when it comes to Mommyhood. You're like that drizzle of chocolate syrup across the top of raspberry cheese cake, or that whole piece of oreo in cookies & cream ice cream... only that for your family. You are a wife and mother of noble character, and bradd, peanut, andrew and jacy love you more than you know! I wish I could do half of what you do, let alone with such ease. cheer up, my friend. love you!
thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. i will keep you in my prayers. do not give up. find that little bit of strength deep down. it will carry you through the next day. allow others to carry you while you regain your strength, and then come back fighting the next day. your efforts will not be in vain. don't give up! the hour is darkest before the dawn. the dawn is coming!
You are a wonderful, strong, loving mother! Jacy Quinn knows that. She knows how much you love and adore her. Circumstances right now are hard and not where you'd like them to be, but I know that you and Bradd have a home that you are building on love, communication, and fun! Keep doing that, keep fighting, and keep on....and thing will change!!! God is good, He's in control. I love you and I will be praying for you!!!!!
Thought about you so many times today....how did it go?
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